I know I kept you waiting for a long time. For the past few months, I have mostly been absent—not just from writing, but from myself.
I didn’t know what to do, so I kept playing games with my own mind. Pretending to be someone else. Pretending it didn’t hurt as much as it did.
I cut myself off from everyone I cared about, everyone I thought about. And somewhere in those months of isolation, something changed.
I lost things I once had.
The cheerful smile.
The peace.
The ability to express myself.
The patience to listen to others.
It felt like everything disappeared in a single moment. The worst part is when something breaks and there is nothing you can do to fix it. You simply watch it slip away and convince yourself—
“Maybe this is how it was meant to be.”
Everyone was there, watching things move on. But all I could see was everything I had lost. And all I could hear was the noise inside my head.
These days, I don’t enjoy silence anymore.
Silence isn’t quiet.
It’s the same noise repeating itself every day, somehow becoming the very thing that helps me fall asleep. Some days are easier when I don’t think about it.
But on the days I do…everything becomes heavier.